The Blog of west9gk

The process of growing up is one of the greatest opportunities we as human beings can ever experience. It affords one the opportunity to have a better sense of mind about who they are and feel comfortable in their own skin. Some may consider growing up to be an exploration in the sense that we are able to explore various identities and traits about ourselves until we are fully comfortable about our persona. Unlike my childhood peers, I did not explore such an exploration; for I already know who I was--or so I thought. I was confident that the person whom I sought to become would be the complete antithesis of my sister.

To say the least, my sister had a very difficult adolescence experiences. She was always acknowledged as a "gifted child." However, she left public schooling after her sophomore year with the minimal passing grade. She traversed many harrowing paths which led her to hospitalization, time spent at the juvenile detention center, and even a court-ordered residence. At her new residence, she received both grief and behavioral counseling for a period of six months. She experienced all of this therapy due to the poor decisions regarding the treatment of herself, friends, and family. Throughout these affairs, our relationship became more and more estranged; even saying "Hello" was truly a difficult task. Her inability co comprehend why I had directed so much abhorrence towards her resulted in an even more hostile relationship.

During high school, I worried that if my parents saw me upset, they would take more culpability upon themselves. I tried to hide my pain from them, but in reality, I wanted to hide the pain from myself. I viewed tears as weakness, anger as a lack of control, and therapy as an inability to handle my own problems. My attitude became more stoic as I tried to discredit the fact that my sister's actions negatively affected my own. I assumed that concealing the truth from myself and others would mask my pain. This resulted in an even more adverse effect, because while I was trying to hide my anguish, I inadvertently isolated myself from my parents and friends. The fear that I would eventually break down and expose my weakness was often on my mind.

Now that I am older and more understanding of my sister's adolescence, I realize that my seclusion from her and others was a colossal fault of my own. Whether I wanted it to or not, events in my sister's life consequently had a large impact on mine as well. I should have been more willing to share my feelings of guilt and grief with those close to me. I felt that I could not share my distress with anyone because I was too embarrassed--not in my sister, but in myself. Eventually, I realized that I was not upset with her, I was dissatisfied with myself for allowing her actions to have as profound an impact on my life as they did. Once I recognized this and moved on from the feelings of guilt and anger, I was able to be more proactive about my life.

Today my sister has undergone a complete transformation. She is in graduate school, about to be married, and seems to be living a happy and healthy lifestyle. Moreover, she has gained the respect of professors, her peers, and even me. Although I have yet to tell her, I hold her in high regard for her responsible and proactive actions.

Six years ago I was adamant that the person whom I aspired to be was the antithetical version of my sister. Little did I know that my desired persona would have a fervent resemblance of who my sister is today.